i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
