I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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