i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
