I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
