He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it's like iHOP with fire
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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