Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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