Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
