this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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