the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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