I want to have your abortion
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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