He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
