Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
