After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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