She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
