Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
