it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
being pregnant is like rehab
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
