Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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