This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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