It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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