okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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