Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
