My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
