i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
