I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
