just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
