we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
