Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
