Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
