My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
