My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can text with my tongue
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
