she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize