She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
