my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
birth control should be required to get into college
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
