I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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