When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The uberlube is also flammable
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
