your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you had me at cake vodka
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
