i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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