I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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