I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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