my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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