she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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