He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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