yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
