rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think your dad took our porno
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Randomize
