hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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