just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
