the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
