I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
