Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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