Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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