just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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