True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
