Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
