im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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