so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
