She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
