so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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