Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
