exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
