checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
