i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
