my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im about as happy as oj after his trial
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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