I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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